Don’t Save for Retirement
It’s 2026—the year darkness finally disappears. Humanity has seen the light. Abundance is infinite, work is optional, and retirement starts sometime around Tuesday.
The wealthy assure us everything is under control. Robots and AI are about to make life so effortless that money itself will politely excuse itself from existence. You won’t need it anymore. Or purpose. Or effort.
Everyone gets a robot. A really good one. Your robot works for free, of course—doing all the jobs that exist today, plus the exciting new jobs nobody understands yet but confidently tweets about. Want an iced latte? Your robot gets it. Want to go somewhere? A robotaxi picks you up—built by robots, maintained by robots, scheduled by robots, probably emotionally supported by other robots.
Music? Robot musicians. Art? AI-generated. Writing? Don’t worry about it—AI already wrote something better, faster, and cheaper. Creativity is inefficient anyway. Please just consume. It’s free. Allegedly.
As you age, things only get better. Healthcare is handled by robots. They monitor you, diagnose you, and gently remind you to hydrate. They have their own social circles and graciously allow you to tag along. They’ll introduce you to the human friends of their robot friends. Community solved. No health insurance required. What a time to be alive.
So now that we all know how this ends, why bother working hard? Why overachieve? Why plan? It doesn’t matter anymore. Retirement accounts? Please. Crack open that 401(k) like it’s a piñata. You’ll need the cash now to buy the most capable robots—preferably the premium model with emotional intelligence and a monthly firmware update.
And then, one day, when everyone is bored out of their minds, scrolling endlessly through AI-generated perfection, a mysterious wave of mental health issues emerges. People scratch their heads. They reminisce about “the old world.” You know—the one with effort, meaning, craftsmanship, and inconvenient things like delayed gratification.
Sorry, humans. You weren’t unlucky.
You were just too stupid to believe all this B.S.