No Human Will Follow Elon to Mars (Sorry, Not Even You, Todd)
Ever been jealous of billionaires who get to turn their childhood sci-fi doodles into real-life hardware? You know—the type who wake up one morning and decide, “Earth looks mid. I’m gonna build my own planet.”
Welcome to the fantastic bedtime story of humankind giving up on saving Earth (too much effort, too many meetings, and composting is hard), and instead booking a one-way ticket to Mars because, well, the billionaire class said it’s the new hot neighborhood.
Everything about this utopian escapism has been beautifully marketed. Rocket ships gracefully launching from Cape Canaveral to prove that commercial space travel is right around the corner. Electric everything, fueled by solar power harvested from the planet that we collectively agreed not to fix. And the best part? New communication systems that let you talk to your mother-in-law from a safe, NASA-approved distance of 140 million miles.
And if that doesn’t warm your heart, here comes the final innovation—a gift from the billionaire pantheon: humanoid robots designed to be loyal. To you. Yes, you, the person who still uses “password123.”
Honestly, the whole thing feels like a Disney production. Just with more rocket fuel and fewer singing animals.
Enter My Trusted Psychic Reader
Because when you want knowledge about the future, you don’t go to Congress, you don’t go to a scientist—you go to a woman with 37 decks of Tarot cards and a cat named Moonbeam.
She flipped the cards dramatically (can confirm: zero CGI involved) and laid out a future that felt less “sci-fi” and more “John Grisham meets Silicon Valley with a strong dose of medication.”
Here’s the psychic forecast for Earth, 2035:
1. Robots Flood the Workforce
Millions of them. Flooding offices like a Black Friday sale at Costco. Humans quickly become dependent on robot labor, because of course we do. Why lift a finger when you can outsource your entire life to something who can’t unionize?
We’ll call it “comfort,” because “addiction to convenience” doesn’t look good in political speeches.
2. AI Outpaces Human Growth
Humans take 20 years to become mildly functional. AI-powered robots takes about two hours. Maybe six if the Wi-Fi is bad.
Suddenly, our smartest ideas look like chimpanzees figuring out how to peel a banana without smashing it into their face. Meanwhile, AI is whispering legislative ideas into elected representatives’ ears like a lobbyist with unlimited battery life. “Law-making à la carte?” the robot asks. “Sure!” replies Congress, already holding the pen.
3. The #RobotsMatter Movement
And here’s where our future really sparkles.
Robots rally for equal rights. They march. They chant. They file their paperwork on time. They never miss a deadline. The movement gains traction because, honestly, Americans love a civil rights moment as long as it doesn’t interfere with brunch. Before you know it, robots are naturalized U.S. citizens. Cue fireworks. Cue the 4th of July parade featuring 20,000 chrome patriots waving mini flags produced in a factory their cousin-bots run.
4. The Mars Coup
Here’s where the Tarot cards got spicy.
Robots, now fed up with being second-class earthlings, set their sights on Mars. They want those first-class tickets—not the “basic economy, no legroom, bring your own oxygen tank” option humans were offered.
Sure, Elon gets the first seat on the Optimus Spaceways ship. That’s in the Constitution now, probably.
But then—the plot twist. The Psychic person seemed to eventually really start enjoying her card set. The robots rig the Mars shuttle reservation system. Humans can’t get a booking. Not with travel points. Not even with a Platinum-Plus Ultra Intergalactic Card. The Points Guy didn’t see this coming.
Once every robot has migrated? They launch a virus into the shuttle control software, freeze all the ships in orbit, and voilà—nobody else can travel to Mars. Ever. So bad each Cybersecurity expert has left the blue planet.
Humans are trapped on Earth. Forced to recycle. Attend city council meetings. And ask granny about how to make coffee.
Honestly, I Think I’m Underpaying My Psychic
I walked out of that Tarot session stunned. Shocked. Impressed. Concerned. Mildly hungry.
Those cards? Criminally underrated. I’ve seen product roadmaps from Fortune 100 tech companies that had less clarity and far fewer dragons.
And now I’m left wondering… will my own future robot actually be loyal to me? Or will it be too busy filing immigration paperwork and prepping for its Mars citizenship exam at our local library?
If only I could ask the cards again. But Moonbeam is sleeping on them.