The Government Does Not Like Pajamas Anymore
Travel season is approaching, which means it’s that magical time of year when Americans willingly pay $700 to sit in a pressurized tube with 200 strangers who all pretend they don’t smell each other. And right on cue, U.S. Transportation Secretary Sean P. Duffy has announced his new vision for the “Golden Age of Travel.”
Naturally, you might think this means airlines are bringing back the good stuff:
Caviar service, because nothing says “democracy” like fish eggs.
A personal flight attendant who calls you sir without rolling their eyes.
Real silverware instead of those biodegradable forks that snap during turbulence.
Legroom bigger than a yoga mat.
A cabin environment where no one screams at an attendant over a $7 can of Pringles.
But no. No, no, no.
Apparently, the Golden Age is returning through… dress codes.
Yes, the government has decided the biggest issue with modern aviation isn’t shrinking seats, rising prices, or the airplane WiFi that buffers slower than dial-up in 1999. No. The real problem, according to the Department of Transportation, is your sweatpants.
Secretary Duffy wants Americans to “dress up to go to the airport.” Because nothing improves national morale like forcing people to cosplay as 1960s Pan Am passengers while they snake through a TSA line for 47 minutes, holding their dignity in one hand and a quart-sized Ziploc in the other.
Imagine it: You step into your Uber wearing your Grammy Awards red-carpet gown. Your Uber driver pretends this is normal. You glide into the terminal in heels you haven’t worn since the Obama administration. You sparkle under the fluorescent lighting as a TSA agent yells, “MA’AM, PLEASE REMOVE ALL METAL OBJECTS NOW.”
Once you clear security—after a small fight with your zipper—you immediately sprint to the nearest restroom stall and switch into pajamas like a superhero losing hope. Because let’s be honest: no one is flying six hours to Charlotte dressed in anything with a zipper.
So is this the new American travel ritual? Formalwear to TSA. Pajamas once airborne. Business in the terminal, Netflix-and-chill in the cabin. A beautiful compromise.
Honestly, if the government wants to bring back the Golden Age of Travel, they could start with literally anything else:
Seats that fit humans.
Air conditioning that works.
Passengers who don’t argue with gate agents about physics and boarding groups.
Maybe even a stray glass of champagne that isn’t $18.
But no. They're coming for your loungewear.
Land of the free. Home of the dress code.