New York Subway in the Skies
Who doesn’t love a vacation? Especially now that air travel costs roughly the same as a used Honda Civic. The airline industry swears it’s working tirelessly to make flying affordable again—mostly by subtracting dignity at impressive scale.
According to a recent Forbes article, the future of aviation includes “standing seats.” Yes, standing. Your 7th-grade English teacher is already crying into a grammar textbook trying to explain how “seat” can now mean “vertical disappointment.” And don’t worry—it won’t stop at the cabin. The bathroom is next. Because why save space only where humans sit when you can also optimize the tiny room where they panic-pee at 38,000 feet?
Thrillist cheerfully reports that this new “stand-sit-pray” arrangement could drop ticket prices to an inspiring $5.68—cheaper than parking downtown or buying gum at the airport. Just swipe your credit card, sign away your spinal health, and boom: you're airborne.
But airlines aren’t celebrating yet. Apparently, even these skeletal seats still weigh too much. And since airlines treat aircraft weight the way influencers treat “toxins,” the hunt continues for new ways to maximize revenue while minimizing anything resembling comfort.
So imagine this: Stand clear of the closing doors, please… but in the sky.
You're now boarding the airborne F Train. A flight from Chicago to Denver takes about as long as the subway from Park Slope to Midtown during rush hour—minus the luxury of a pole to hold onto. Instead of sitting, you’ll be strap-hanging like a human backpack, surrounded by 180 of your closest sweaty “travel buddies.”
Bring your subway rituals:
Binge YouTube (for only $19.99—WiFi costs more than the flight)
Complain about delays
Marvel at the malfunctioning AC
Get approached by someone giving a tragic monologue followed by a Venmo request
Congratulations: flying is officially democratized. Humanity did it.
Entertainment system? Gone. But don’t worry, someone will absolutely bring their portable speaker so you can enjoy unsolicited Drake remixes at full volume. The airlines call this “immersive cultural ambiance.” What service.
Oh—about logging your miles?
Cute. You didn’t buy a seat. You bought air. Literally. Someone else will enjoy those miles on your behalf. Probably the CEO.
Welcome to the future of travel. Buckle up—oh wait, you can’t. You’re standing.