Welcome to Kopetopia: America’s Floating Caffeine Reserve
Good news, everyone: America has solved its coffee crisis.
After the recent tariffs on imported beans, our great nation is finally taking control of its caffeine destiny — by building a 12-square-mile artificial island next to Hawaii, known officially as Kopetopia and unofficially as ‘The Most Productive Place in the Pacific (Per Cubicle)’.
Engineers say the island will be “95% sustainable,” which is government-speak for “we’ll recycle the coffee cups eventually.” It will float proudly on a base of optimism, single-use plastics, and whatever the infrastructure budget has left.
The Department of Agricultural Innovation (a rebrand of the Department of ‘We’ll Figure It Out Later’) says Kopetopia will grow 100% organic beans, handpicked by autonomous drones trained to recognize “patriotic ripeness.” The beans will be roasted on-site using volcanic energy and taxpayer enthusiasm.
And to ensure fairness, all coffee produced will be sold at the Kopetopia Outlet Mall, conveniently located on the same island. Because who doesn’t want to take a $1,200 round-trip flight to get “the best price” on a $6 latte?
Of course, there are skeptics — ungrateful souls who claim that building a floating island to grow a tropical crop that already grows tropically is “inefficient.” But those people clearly don’t understand the brilliance of Kopetopia’s Economic Feedback Loop:
Tariff imports to make domestic prices rise.
Subsidize artificial islands to fix the shortage caused by the tariffs.
Congratulate yourself for “bringing coffee jobs back to America.”
Sleep peacefully knowing you’ve made caffeine truly unaffordable for everyone.
Meanwhile, mainland America is already adapting. Silicon Valley startups are marketing synthetic cold brew — a beverage “molecularly identical to coffee” but made entirely from lentils and venture capital. Rural states are introducing “Buy Local” campaigns featuring beans roasted in their congressional offices. And in Washington, lobbyists are reportedly drafting legislation to make “decaf” a national security threat.
When asked about the long-term vision, one senior official explained: “By 2030, every American family will have access to domestic coffee — either by living on Kopetopia or subscribing to our Bean-of-the-Month defense initiative.”
The island’s grand opening ceremony is planned for next year. It’ll feature speeches from various leaders, a fireworks display powered by espresso steam, and an exclusive tasting of Freedom Roast: a bold blend with hints of debt, deregulation, and denial.
So here’s to America — proving once again that when faced with a global supply problem, we won’t import the solution. We’ll just build a floating continent, trademark it, and sell tickets.