Don’t Let People Choose Their Seats — Freedom Is Overrated
It’s Christmas season, and you’ve generously shelled out $200 per ticket to take your family to see The Nutcracker at your local theater. You’re feeling festive, cultured, and smug about securing the “best seats in the house.”
Until he arrives.
A man who is either a professional basketball player, a redwood tree in human form, or the reason emergency exit signs are mounted so high. He sits down directly in front of you, and instantly your view transforms from The Nutcracker to Number 27’s Shoulders: A Visual Study.
Forget ballet — tonight’s performance stars the back of someone’s head. At least the orchestra sounds lovely, and now you finally empathize with the visually impaired. Growth!
Fast-forward to Monday. You’re back in your favorite weekly ritual: the staff meeting that absolutely could’ve been an email. Your boss is presenting slides so overloaded with bullet points they should come with a Surgeon General warning.
But no one can read them anyway.
Your coworker — you know, the one with glasses thick enough to see the future — decides to sit in the very back of the room. And, as expected, immediately shouts: “CAN YOU ZOOM IN?”
Now your boss, a person who should not operate anything more complex than a fork, begins randomly dragging the slide around the screen like they’re playing Fruit Ninja. The result? The entire room is suddenly laser-focused, not because the content is interesting, but because it is physically impossible to decipher what’s happening.
Democracy, ladies and gentlemen. Pure chaos.
So why do we still let humans choose their own seats?
We’ve had Big Tech collecting our measurements, preferences, and online sins for years. At this point, Google and Meta know our height, eyesight strength, and questionable search history better than we do.
Just let AI assign the seats already. Imagine the possibilities:
No more blocked views
No more back-row foghorn coworker
No more “Sir, your head is not transparent”
Every experience optimized for your “unique human dimensions”
Sure, you may need to share some additional data — like your sleep schedule, insecurities, and “intimate preferences” — but hey, that’s a small price to pay for premium seat placement and a life free of tall people trauma.
The future is personalized, automated, and slightly dystopian. But at least you’ll finally see the stage.