Important Q1 Investment Decisions
It’s that magical time of year again.
December is behind us. Tax-loss harvesting has been carefully executed to soften the blow for Uncle Sam. Receipts have been filed, spreadsheets closed, and now—finally—the most important part of the investment calendar begins: vibes-based forecasting during the holiday food coma.
Like any serious investor, I start my due diligence by talking to my buddies.
And wow—market signal detected.
They’re unhappy. Very unhappy. Not with inflation, not with interest rates, but with themselves. Apparently, watching endless streams of perfectly lit fitness influencers on Instagram, Reels, and YouTube Shorts has created a sudden and deep dissatisfaction with reality. Shocking.
Enter the annual ritual:
New Year’s resolutions
AI-generated “personalized” fitness plans
Promises that this year is different
As an investor, I see patterns where others see hope.
This is clearly the moment to rebalance my portfolio.
Convenience foods? Out. Too unhealthy.
Fitness chains? In. A healthy mind lives in a healthy body—and apparently also signs 12-month contracts it won’t use.
I can already visualize it:
Thousands of people per city marching bravely into fluorescent-lit gyms, scanning QR codes, receiving branded water bottles, and posting their “Day 1” photos on Instagram. Captions like “No excuses” and “This is my year” will flood the market—sorry, the feed.
Subscriptions spike. Engagement rises. Analysts nod thoughtfully. Earnings calls glow with optimism.
And that’s where my strategy peaks.
The plan is simple:
Rotate capital into fitness chains right now
Ride the wave of Q1 subscription growth
Enjoy the stock pop in March and April earnings
Exit gracefully before reality sets in
Because somewhere around Week 6, people will remember a few inconvenient truths:
Fitness is actual work
Progress is slow
Abs do not materialize via affirmations
Attendance drops. Towels go unused. Motivation evaporates. But by then, the earnings report has already been filed—and I’ve already taken my gains.
If I repeat this strategy every year, there’s a real chance I retire early.
Or at least early enough to join a gym in January and quit in February—just like everyone else.