We’re So Brainwashed
Remember when basic things were just… included? I vaguely remember that era. It’s blurry now, like a childhood memory or a dream. Today, everything comes with a fee attached to it. Sometimes multiple fees. Sometimes fees for the privilege of paying the other fees.
Take a simple vacation to Las Vegas or Miami Beach. Sounds relaxing, right? Let’s begin the adventure.
First, your flight. The ticket is only the beginning. Want to choose where you sit? Seat assignment fee. Bringing a bag? Bag fee. Breathing cabin air? That one might still be free, but give it time.
After landing, transportation awaits. Taxis are happy to drive you to your hotel, often via a scenic detour that mysteriously adds ten minutes and twenty dollars. Rideshare was supposed to fix that, but now surge pricing kicks in because someone once said Las Vegas is “always busy.” Even when it clearly isn’t.
Prefer a rental car? Excellent choice. You’ll enjoy the daily toll transponder fee—plus the worst possible rate for the actual toll. A clever little double charge for tourists who understandably have no idea what’s going on.
Once you arrive at the hotel, you’ll discover the joys of parking fees. This covers the premium service of parking your own car yourself inside a concrete structure.
Then comes the famous resort fee. A magical charge that appears on top of your already expensive room and room tax. What does it include? Mostly the feeling that you’ve lost control of the situation. Hotel lobbies used to have people behind the counters. Now they have machines. Apparently guests complained so much about the fees that the employees decided to pursue happier careers elsewhere.
Feeling hungry yet? Great. Food and drinks are priced as if every restaurant sits inside an international airport terminal. Your credit card will melt gently as it taps the payment terminal.
Restaurants have also introduced automatic service charges. Some places even imported the Italian “coperto”—a fee for the luxury of using cutlery and sitting at a table. At this rate, finger food is starting to look like a serious financial strategy.
It’s not just vacations.
Remember buying a CD or record from your favorite artist? You paid once and owned it forever. Today you subscribe to a streaming service. Monthly. Cancel the subscription and—poof—your music disappears. Ownership has been replaced by rental.
Need to move money between payment apps? That will be an instant transfer fee. Apparently moving digital numbers between two computers is now considered premium service.
Buying tickets online? There’s a convenience fee. Interestingly, there is no alternative to buying them online. But somehow it’s still considered extra convenience.
Asked to recycle responsibly to earn points for excellent civic behavior? Please pay extra for the recycling bin, even if you don’t want it.
Want to see a football game? Prepare for a thrilling lineup of service fees, processing fees, and facility fees—before sitting in a seat so far away that the stadium screen appears smaller than the TV in your living room.
And if you rent an apartment with a pet, the fun continues. Pet rent. Monthly. On top of the security deposit, pet deposit, application fee, administration fee, and last month’s rent. At this point I’m considering asking my cat to start contributing financially.
But clearly we’re not charging enough fees yet. Let me help.
Cities could introduce elevator usage fees. Perfect for places like New York. Every trip to the 40th floor becomes a small economic event. Premium pricing for express elevators, of course.
Homes could be built with permanently frosted windows. Pay a monthly transparency subscription to actually see outside.
And the real masterpiece: the oxygen consumption fee. Every breath billed automatically. Higher lung capacity? Higher bill. Elevated heart rate? Premium usage tier. It’s the most democratic fee of all. Nobody escapes breathing.
There are probably many more fees I’ve forgotten. When they washed my brain, some of them were apparently reclassified as “standard practice.”
Happy fee paying, everyone. And make sure to get a credit card with good cashback rewards—so you can feel slightly better about paying for absolutely everything.